Dave Thomson |
So much blood has been shed by the Church because
of an omission from the Gospel: "Ye shall be indifferent as to what
your neighbor's religion is." Not merely tolerant of it, but indifferent
to it. Divinity is claimed for many religions; but no religion is great
enough or divine enough to add that new law to its code. - Mark Twain, a Biography We despise all reverences and all the objects of reverence which are
outside the pale of our own list of sacred things. And yet, with strange
inconsistency, we are shocked when other people despise and defile the
things which are holy to us. |
Man is a Religious Animal. He is the only Religious Animal. He is the only
animal that has the True Religion--several of them. He is the only animal that
loves his neighbor as himself and cuts his throat if his theology isn't straight.
He has made a graveyard of the globe in trying his honest best to smooth his
brother's path to happiness and heaven....The higher animals have no religion.
And we are told that they are going to be left out in the Hereafter. I wonder
why? It seems questionable taste.
- "The Lowest Animal"
India has two million gods, and worships them all. In religion all other countries
are paupers; India is the only millionaire.
- Following the Equator
Alas! those good old days are gone, when a murderer could wipe the stain from
his name and soothe his trouble to sleep simply by getting out his blocks and
mortar and building an addition to a church.
- The Innocents Abroad
Monarchies, aristocracies, and religions....there was never a country where
the majority of the people were in their secret hearts loyal to any of these
institutions.
- The Mysterious Stranger
The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches
me to suspect that my own is also. I would not interfere with any one's religion,
either to strengthen it or to weaken it. I am not able to believe one's religion
can affect his hereafter one way or the other, no matter what that religion
may be. But it may easily be a great comfort to him in this life--hence it is
a valuable possession to him.
- Mark Twain, a Biography
I do not know what we should do without the pulpit. We could better spare the
sun -- the moon, anyway.
- Autobiographical dictation 20 March 1906. Published in Autobiography of
Mark Twain, Volume 1 (University of California Press, 2010)
I was educated, I was trained, I was a Presbyterian and I knew how these things
are done. I knew that in Biblical times if a man committed a sin the extermination
of the whole surrounding nation -- cattle and all -- was likely to happen. I
knew that Providence was not particular about the rest, so that He got somebody
connected with the one He was after.
- Autobiographical dictation, 13 June 1906. Published in Autobiography of
Mark Twain, Volume 2 (University of California Press, 2013)
I am quite sure now that often, very often, in matters concerning religion
and politics a man's reasoning powers are not above the monkey's.
- Autobiographical dictation, 12 September 1907. Published in Autobiography
of Mark Twain, Volume 3 (University of California Press, 2015)
In religion and politics people's beliefs and convictions are in almost every
case gotten at second-hand, and without examination, from authorities who have
not themselves examined the questions at issue but have taken them at second-hand
from other non-examiners, whose opinions about them were not worth a brass farthing.
- Autobiographical dictation, 10 July 1908. Published in Autobiography of
Mark Twain, Volume 3 (University of California Press, 2015)
My land, the power of training! Of influence! Of education! It can bring a body
up to believe anything.
- A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court
We were good boys, good Presbyterian boys, and loyal and all that; anyway, we
were good Presbyterian boys when the weather was doubtful; when it was fair,
we did wander a little from the fold.
- 67th birthday dinner, 28 November 1902
Man is kind enough when he is not excited by religion.
- A Horse's Tale
Religion consists in a set of things which the average man thinks he believes,
and wishes he was certain.
- Notebook, 1879
We don't cut up when mad men are bred by the old legitimate regular stock religions,
but we can't allow wildcat religions to indulge in such disastrous experiments.
- "The New Wildcat Religion"
A religion that comes of thought, and study, and deliberate conviction, sticks
best. The revivalized convert who is scared in the direction of heaven because
he sees hell yawn suddenly behind him, not only regains confidence when his
scare is over, but is ashamed of himself for being scared, and often becomes
more hopelessly and malignantly wicked than he was before.
- Letter San Francisco Alta California, November
15,1868
I do not take any credit to my better-balanced head because I never went crazy
on Presbyterianism. We go too slow for that. You never see us ranting and shouting
and tearing up the ground, You never heard of a Presbyterian going crazy on
religion. Notice us, and you will see how we do. We get up of a Sunday morning
and put on the best harness we have got and trip cheerfully down town; we subside
into solemnity and enter the church; we stand up and duck our heads and bear
down on a hymn book propped on the pew in front when the minister prays; we
stand up again while our hired choir are singing, and look in the hymn book
and check off the verses to see that they don't shirk any of the stanzas; we
sit silent and grave while the minister is preaching, and count the waterfalls
and bonnets furtively, and catch flies; we grab our hats and bonnets when the
benediction is begun; when it is finished, we shove, so to speak. No frenzy,
no fanaticism --no skirmishing; everything perfectly serene. You never see any
of us Presbyterians getting in a sweat about religion and trying to massacre
the neighbors. Let us all be content with the tried and safe old regular religions,
and take no chances on wildcat.
- "The New Wildcat Religion"
The Koran does not permit Mohammedans to drink. Their natural instincts do not
permit them to be moral. They say the Sultan has eight hundred wives. This almost
amounts to bigamy.
- The Innocents Abroad
Apparently one of the most uncertain things in the world is the funeral of a
religion.
- Following the Equator
Zeal and sincerity can carry a new religion further than any other missionary
except fire and sword.
- Christian Science
The altar cloth of one aeon is the doormat of the next.
- Notebook, 1898
I have a religion--but you will call it blasphemy. It is that there is a God
for the rich man but none for the poor.....Perhaps your religion will sustain
you,will feed you--I place no dependence in mine. Our religions are alike, though,
in one respect--neither can make a man happy when he is out of luck.
- Letter to Orion Clemens, 19-20 October 1865
We have to keep our God placated with prayers, and even then we are never sure
of him--how much higher and finer is the Indian's God......Our illogical God
is all-powerful in name, but impotent in fact; the Great Spirit is not all-powerful,
but does the very best he can for his injun and does it free of charge.
- Marginalia written in copy of Richard Irving Dodge's Our Wild Indians
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