You ought never to "sass" old people- unless they "sass"
you first.
- Advice for Good Little Girls
It is wrong to put a sheepskin under your shirt when you know that you are going
to get a licking. It is better to retire swiftly to a secret place and weep
over your bad conduct until the storm blows over.
- Advice for Good Little Boys
You should never do anything wicked and lay it on your brother, when it is
just as convenient to lay it on some other boy.
- Advice for Good Little Boys
Graphic courtesy
of Dave Thomson
Be respectful to your superiors, if you have any.
- Advice to Young People speech, 15 April 1882
There are three things which I consider excellent advice. First, don't smoke
to access. Second, don't drink to excess. Third, don't marry to excess.
- last public address, St. Timothy's School for Girls, Catonsville, MY, 9 June
1909
Mark Twain's answer to a would-be writer:
"Young Author"--Yes, Agassiz does recommend authors to eat fish, because
the phosphorus in it makes brain. So far you are correct. But I cannot help
you to a decision about the amount you need to eat--at least not with certainty.
If the specimen composition you send is about your fair usual average, I suggest
that perhaps a couple of whales would be all you would want for the present.
Not the largest kind, but simply good middling-sized whales.
- "Answers to Correspondents", Sketches New and Old
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